This piece first came to us by sometime collaborator and liberal-at-large Leviathan Joe in June of 2010. It is the only known statement given by the so-called “Ninjas of Casper” to members of the press. Though little could be verified, the consensus among staff and editors at Bedlam Publishing is that the piece is at least 93-97% true.

Ron Boot, staff editor
Bedlam Publishing
March, 2013

May, 2010 – The midnight air carried the smell of snake shit and springtime animal rot as I picked my way through the brambles and shrubs along the Platte River Parkway. The longneck bottles of Bud Light I carried clinked loudly and I could feel the eyes and ears of the night trained on my noisy blunderings. My subject had agreed to meet only at this time and place, and even then only under the condition that I bring booze. Near the overgrown pillars of the bridge was a barely-remarkable accumulation of floral debris piled around the existing bushes. Tucked within the branches I spied the cardboard wall and the smeared-on yin-yang symbol. Smeared on with what, I did not know.

“Clint”:
Enter

Leviathan Joe:
‘Kay...

I crawled in. The dojo was lit only by a birthday candle sticking from the center of the dirt floor. The tiny flame revealed a karate post fashioned from a truncated street sign (Washakie St. and Forest Ave.); dirty, bloated issues of People magazine with library stickers, and a pair of sitting rocks.

“Clint”:
Sit.

His voice was flaxen and apt. As I settled in, the flame was snuffed out and the darkness was absolute. The twelve-pack was whisked away from my fingers without a tink. I heard two simultaneous CO2 farts and two bottle caps banking off the cardboard. A beer settled into my hand. I wondered if the Census guy went through the same routine.

Leviathan Joe:
“Clint”... is that your ninja name?

“Clint”: Yes.

LJ:
So, “Clint the Ninja,” then?

CtN:
Yes.

LJ:
Were you born here, or...?

CtN:
I was actually raised by wolves, deep in the woods, up in Minnesota.

LJ:
Did you grow and extra fur or anything? How did you keep warm?

CtN:
I actually had a very hairy back from birth. There might have been some cross-breeding going on in my heritage. Some people say I remind them of a wolf because of how fast I am and all that. I also eat raw meat and howl. That’s kind of a prerequisite for being in the wolf club.

LJ:
Were there any others like you?

CtN:
Nope, I’m the only one. I’m pretty special.

LJ:
Did you have any goals or dreams at this point in your life?

CtN:
Well, I figured I needed a job, so I broke away from the pack at the age of 8. And I washed dishes for a while.

LJ:
At the age of 8?

CtN:
Yes, I became quite good at it. Although I almost got fired a few times for defecating on the floor. You know, I wasn’t used to using a toilet, so I just made do.

LJ:
So when did you know that you wanted to become a ninja?

CtN: I was walking home one night on all fours, because that was a hard habit to break, and these 4 guys popped out of nowhere and attacked me. I was outnumbered and surprised and they beat me up pretty good. So I started investigating what the best fighting technique would be for a boy who’s part wolf. All the research I did pointed me in the direction of becoming a part-time ninja. So that’s what I did.

LJ:
How did you do that?

CtN. Basically I trained myself.

LJ:
Did your background as a wolf-boy influence your style?

CtN:
Yeah. As soon as I get a chance I just try to rip a gaping hole my enemies’ necks. That’s really my signature move. I’d practice during shifts with bags of uncooked French fries.

LJ:
Did you apply these new skills to the dish washing gig?

CtN:
It took years to develop, but I did find I was able to wash a lot more dishes, and I got promoted.

LJ:
A senior dish washing position?

CtN:
They let me start working with the French fries again, which I hadn’t been able to do since throat-rip training. That’s really where the big bucks are: French fries. A lot of people don’t realize that.

LJ:
Did that conflict with your wolf instincts; starving in the long winters and all that?

CtN:
My training gave me a lot of discipline, so I would only eat half a bag of uncooked fries a night.

LJ:
Surely you could afford to set up your dojo somewhere else. What is it about this location that makes it ideal?

CtN:
Well, there’s no rent, so that’s key. Also, a lot of people don’t realize there’s a lot of positive energy under bridges. That’s why so many people choose to live under them.

LJ:
I notice that sometimes when I’m running on the Parkway.

CtN:
It really is amazing.

LJ:
And the secrecy, of course...

CtN:
Exactly.

LJ:
Do you use your skills for good?

CtN:
Gonna hit me with that, huh? There may have been an occasion when I’ve had to kill a man. But I will deny it if anyone accuses me.

LJ:
So you’ve killed one guy?

CtN:
Maybe. We’ll just leave it at that.

LJ:
So you killed him.

CtN:
Like I said, it’s kind of a “maybe.”

LJ:
Did he deserve it.

CtN:
Well, it was after a party.

LJ:
Was it even a “he”?

CtN:
Don’t know. It was just some guy in mask who tried to pick a fight with me. Basically, I told him I was a ninja and he didn’t believe me so I had to show him. I may have bitten into his neck a little deep...Maybe. I started “Ninjas of Casper” soon after that.

LJ:
How many of you are there?

CtN:
There’s a number of us...

LJ:
One? Seventeen? Two?

There was a long, quiet beat in the pitch black.

LJ:
Okay. What’s your role in the community?

CtN:
We’re basically the guardian angels of Casper. We prowl the streets, help the cops. We’re volunteers.

LJ:
Vigilantes?

CtN:
Some might say.

LJ:
What dictates the amount force one of your members can use? Is lethal force fair game? That’s technically illegal.

CtN:
Yes, technically there is some legislation restricting the full implementation of our repertoire. In practice, it just depends how drunk we are on any one night. I don’t know if that’s the best rule because we have lost people. I’m not saying that they’re dead, and I’m not saying that they’re buried somewhere here in Casper. I’m not saying that at all.

LJ:
You didn’t say that. So, what does the average citizen stand to gain from being involved with the NoC?

CtN:
Most of my members have a complete resistance to mace.

LJ:
Is your role primarily crime-fighting, or are you engaged in other social and community projects?

CtN:
We produced and funded the Parkway Cleanup campaign. We also get together and watch “American Idol” every week. We’ve also done our fair share of picnics: we’re a picnic kind of people.

LJ:
What do you pack?

CtN:
Raw meat, of course.

LJ:
So the people that you’ve trained — the Ninja of Casper — you’ve instilled the wolf background into them? They’re following your school?

CtN:
Yes.

LJ:
Have you made contact with your old wolf family since finding all this success out here in the human world?

CtN:
Every once in a while I go out in the woods and take a crap, just to remember what’s that like. So, yeah, I keep in contact.

LJ:
That’s important.

CtN: Plus, you don’t get to do a whole lot of that in the city.

LJ:
It’s frowned upon.

CtN:
It is. So I generally stick to rooftop craps. I still have to mark my territory. This is my city, and I will poop to prove it.

LJ:
So, what’s your political orientation?

CtN:
All I really know about politics is that politicians taste good. I mean....... French fries taste good....

LJ:
.........

CtN: ...I really have no political view.

LJ:
How would the Ninjas of Casper handle the oil spill in the Gulf?

CtN:
Some of us have been training underwater for some time. The idea is for a group to swim down there and wedge themselves in the pipe and create a barrier of men. But so far, in all our simulations, everyone’s died. So.... yeah.

LJ:
Is it the air thing?

CtN:
That’s one of the things we’re looking at. Apparently, swimming down a mile deep is... tough. And we’re used to the high altitude here.

LJ:
You need like, reverse Sherpas.

CtN. Reverse Sherpa ninjas. That’s exactly what I need, but I haven’t been able to find those.

LJ:
How do you meet women?

CtN:
Well, bars are pretty noisy and gaudy. I prefer the intimacy and atmosphere of a dark alley. So women are usually surprised by me because I wait until they leave the bar before I introduce myself.

LJ:
Does this work?

CtN:
Well, Casper women are fast, I gotta say. You have to catch up before you can talk to them.

LJ:
Then what’s your opening line?

CtN:
I say, “Have you ever been with a wolf ninja?”

LJ:
And what if they say “Yes”?

CtN:
Then I say, “Would you like to be with another one?” And that usually seals the deal. Then I ask if they’d like to come back to the dojo. ‘Cause I would think, you know, as a woman, you’d wanna check out a dojo.

LJ:
Is there any bedding around here?

CtN:
We have plenty of cardboard. It’s amazing. You can use it for anything: bed, pillow, blanket...

LJ:
Headboard.

CtN:
Exactly.

LJ:
And do you sprinkle leaves all over her like rose petals?

CtN:
Sometimes they blow in through the window, and I just tell her that I did it. Cause, like “I’m a ninja, I can get leaves on you. No big deal.”

LJ:
Ninjas are known for their... “quickness.” Is that a problem for you?

CtN:
In terms of...?

LJ:
Premature ejaculation.

CtN:
I’m pretty disciplined, but that’s a whole other area. It actually gets brought up a lot at meetings. We all have the same problem: we can’t last more than 30 seconds.

LJ:
Well, you’re meant to be efficient.

CtN:
I think the raw meat has something do with it.

LJ:
So, say it’s game day. The NoC have a mission tonight. What do you guys do to prepare? Do you listen to music to get pumped up or Zen out?

CtN:
We listen to Britney Spears. We live off that. Because Britney knows how to be Britney. We know how to be ninjas. When she shaved her head, we shaved our heads. Which lead to us shaving our entire bodies. We found we moved a lot faster. It was unnatural for me as a wolf child. It felt weird, but I wasn’t getting as many ticks.

LJ:
How about the game day diet?

CtN: We add little Jack Daniels to the raw meat. About a liter of it. Amazing how agile one becomes. The strength, speed, agility.... a lot of people just don’t get it.

LJ:
So you load up on meat and booze and then you go do acrobatic vigilante justice?

CtN:
It helps us to think clearer, too. It helps you to dispense with cumbersome social trappings and rely on your instincts. The day after the mission is usually when I go out to the woods to crap. It’s usually pretty remarkable. That way my wolf family knows...

LJ:
That you survived another mission.

CtN:
That I’m alive, yes.

LJ:
In your time as a ninja, what’s the biggest injury you’ve sustained?

CtN. The biggest fall I took was off a 3-story building. I tried to land on my feet, but I landed on my kidney. So I bled internally... but once again, the Jack Daniels made the pain go away.

LJ:
Do you ever lose your car keys?

CtN:
Generally, I lose them every other day. But I try to discipline myself. When that happens, I don’t allow myself to watch cable TV.

LJ:
Are you using the DVR?

CtN:
Nope. That’s the level I’m at.

LJ:
I think I’ve read that “ninja” is actually the plural form of “ninja.”

CtN:
People do make that mistake. The ‘s’ is actually in there, but of course, it’s invisible. It’s “ninja.”

LJ:
Makes sense. And finally, what’s your hangover food?

CtN:
Twinkies. I’m not talking one or two. I’m talking boxes. And Gatorade. The body needs electrolytes and carbohydrates. Every athlete knows this.

LJ:
Anything to add?

CtN:
Feed the squirrels. Don’t neglect alleys or other urban crevices. That’s where the magic is. Converse with the elderly. Trust in the Lord.

And with that, the darkness blurred and the shadowy figure dove through a square-cut window in the cardboard, I scrambled out just in time to see him take a running leap at the bridge, clamp onto the metal I-beam with his teeth, and swing himself up and away into the night. I picked my way back through the shrubs, feeling safer than I had when I came in.

LJ.

The civilian identities of “Clint the Ninja” and the other NoC remain unknown. The extensive flooding of the North Platte in the spring of 2010 apparently washed away all traces of the dojo under the freeway, though a sodden life-size cutout of Britney Spears from her “Dream Within a Dream” tour was discovered with other river debris in a North Casper trailer park.

-Leviathan Joe breathes and sits in Casper, America.