I Hate You All July 2013

By Rev. Jonny Dark
Spewing mindless hatred for over 20 years.

Greetings once again America. For those few die-hard fans of mine out there, still twitching and oozing your way through your various sordid lives, you're going to notice a few changes to the column. First, and most obvious, would be the absence of all the hate filled tag-lines that one is typically greeted by. These are gone. The Dark House has undergone a bit of remodeling.

Now, before you infantile, semi-literate, borderline psychopathic freaks of nature who are my fan base start freaking the fuck out, let me offer an explanation... see if I can't put your frantic little minds to ease.

I haven't gone soft.
I haven't found God or any other idiotic belief.
I haven't received any sort of 'awakening' of any kind.

Quite simply put; I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it, and you should be as well. It's time to grow the fuck up people, because this shit isn't working anymore.

Ok, enough of all that. Let's get this thing going.

Some months ago, that infantile, semi-conscious group of idiots that are the editors of Bedlam Publishing decided, in their collective wisdom, to send yours truly to Cheyenne, the capital of the great state of Wyoming in order to cover this year's State Legislative Session. As one can imagine, this venture ended in a tremendous waste of everyone's time, energy and money.

It's not that I intended to completely piss away this assignment. It's not that I intended to blow my whole expense account on strippers, rot-gut whiskey and readily available weed from across the border in Colorado. It's not that I intended to find myself running from the cops down Pershing Avenue at three in the morning with boxing gloves duct taped onto my hands and a strap-on dildo secured snugly to my forehead. These things just happen. Especially when you have zero press credentials, a demeanor that triggers most people's 'flight or fight' response, and a company credit card. In other words, after spending two days having every person going in or out of the Capital Building politely telling me to go fuck myself (preferably someplace far from them) I went from frustration to rage to boredom to saying "FUCK IT" and cutting loose. This may come as a surprise to some, but I'm actually a terrible journalist.

In all reality, this was probably the best possible outcome for everyone involved. I mean, honestly, what the hell do I know about politics? Nothing. I do have a pretty good understanding of Law, which is what these sessions are actually supposed to be about, but more and more it seems Law is moving from its intended purpose of Athena's shield ensuring freedom and protecting the populace to Brutus's knife that politicians use to stab each other in the back. All for the amusement of constituents whose only gain is the seething satisfaction of showering themselves in the blood of those with whom they disagree. An act that any interested party justifies by labeling as 'Progress.'

Aren't you people sick of this yet?

Whatever. Let me sum up the definition of politics in Wyoming:

  1. The representatives are nothing but a pack of narcissistic, sneering bullies who not only attempted, but succeeded in using the Wyoming Constitution as a cum rag after blasting a money shot all over the face of another elected official and kicking her out the door with smeared mascara, shattered dignity, and a fist full of 20's like a college sophomore after 'auditioning' on a casting couch. This is, of course, in reference to Superintendent of Public Instruction Cindy Hill. If you want details, fucking Google it. I have neither the time nor space for it.
  2. A great deal of the voting public, or at least a great deal of the politically minded citizens of this state are plagued with the cognitive reasoning and maturity level of teenage, sexually abused bloggers who believe that small minded death threat emails constitutes as the most effective form of 'political activism.' You know the mindset. It rides on the philosophy that the louder and more threatening you scream your ignorant bullshit, the more valid it becomes.
  3. The Governor of this great state, Matt Mead, who was elected on the image of a Reagan-esque, hardliner cowboy has turned out to be a completely worthless, chickenshit coward who conducts himself more and more like a groveling boot-licker whenever anything that might get him beat by his 'Master' (the Federal Government) is suggested by anyone in this state.

I'll actually give some examples on this one. HB0104, also known as the Firearm Protection Act would have effectively deemed the regulation of firearm sales and ownership to be solely under the control of the state. Even though Gov. Mead never had the opportunity to strike it down (due to it getting shut down by missing a deadline), he had already come forward stating that he wouldn't sign the bill into law. This is amusing since the U.S. Senate recently took President Obama's 23 Executive Orders regarding gun control and not only shredded them, but crumpled them into a ball and shoved them down his throat (by passing a bill introduced by Sen. John Barrasso of Wyoming). Next, we have the small matter of the Federal Government actually owes the State of Wyoming roughly 53 million in mineral royalties. And what is our fearless leader doing about it? Fucking nothing!

It's frustrating.
It's infuriating.
It's depressing.

Some of you may be wondering why I haven't written about something a little more current or interesting. Well, it's not that the opportunities haven't been there, but let's be honest... shit's getting crazy. Seriously, I sat down and went through the headlines of the past few months all the way up to the shit going on in Boston and it reads like the lyrics to Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start the Fire.' This world has gone beyond crazy... it's become laughably ridiculous.

Regardless, I will make a sincere effort to be a little more on the ball in the future.