I Hate You All January 2010

By Rev. Jonny Dark
Spewing mindless hatred for over 20 years.

So here we are in that oh so mythical year of 2010.

The Future! I hope you all rang in this year with the true gusto, grit, and apocalyptic decadence I know you are capable of. I know I did. It was a good 24-hour drunken jaunt into that hellish void we freak-minded people venture more often than not. These are the times when hours of booze, tears, violence, laughter, and sexual advances all blur into some bizarre, dream-like, miasmic sequence of fuzzy celluloid. For me, these times are golden: every movement made is golden, full of grace and purpose. Every word spoken is golden: clever, witty, and sharp. I feel the need to hire a scribe in these times. Someone who can document the events with the true and sober clarity needed. Lord knows I and those who choose to accompany me lack the capacity.

It's at these times one sees the true nature of those he calls associates and acquaintances. Idle chatter, free from any form of inhibition spews forward from uninhibited lips reeking of next-morning regret. All manners of truth and enlightenment, small or large are achieved. But, for all the great moments of inspiration and truth revealed in that episode, all I can recall is that after ten or so hours of non-stop consumption, vodka and lemon lime soda tastes like Trix cereal, and that the root of all evil is in a distributor cap.

We all know that nothing is gained, at least not in the whole ‘Zen and the Art of Inhaling a Cigarette’ sense of the word. But, it's times like these that demonstrate the true American Spirit for me. And within that Spirit lays the sub-Spirit of the West. Times like these demonstrate the true character of the western plains people. We are born and bred from hard men and women, people who suffered harsh winters, droughts and starvation.

Sadly, in our pampered, post-industrial, 21st Century lives, we've all but eliminated the necessity to expose ourselves to the harsh elements this territory has to offer. Yet, something deep, primal, and instinctual still requires 'The Test;' that situation where the probability of surviving the next couple of hours is literally any- body's guess. It is nights (and subsequent days) like these that provide such a challenge. I'm the first to admit such a thing is a poor substitute, but it's the only one we have.

We, as a society, have taken great pains to remove all our fears of loss, pain and death.
We, as a society, have taken great pains to remove ourselves as far from the natural world as possible.
We, as a society, call that progress.

Well, I've made it my personal mission to fuck that progress in the neck with a rusty ice pick. Repeatedly, violently, and with very little foreplay. When you want for nothing, you have nothing to live for. When you no longer have to gamble your life everyday just walking out your front door, you instead offer your pride and dignity. Instead of fearing extreme temperatures, violent precipitation, and wild beasts we fear tax increases, wage losses, and diminished health care coverage.

We have built ourselves into an establishment that cleans and licks our wounds, providing pleasant childlike distractions in the process. And, all that this establishment requires in return is our total servitude and complete abandonment of hopes of freedom and liberty.

Look around you, people! We have become a nation of obese, ADD riddled, spoiled, neurotic, spineless idiots! But, what really pisses me off is the fact that I seem to be the only one voicing an opinion about this. No, I take that back, every over-educated, under-educated fuzzy-wuzzy dip-shit in this country has an opinion on the matter. However, I'm the only one of the opinion that these fucking obese, ADD riddled, spoiled, neurotic, spineless idiots need to be removed from this country. Everybody else seems to want to care for, coddle, and nurture these fuckheads.

As one who takes the time to read my rants, I'm guessing the immediate thought that comes to your mind in dealing with this problem would be some form of culling. You know, thin the herd a little. I sympathize with you my friends; the thought has crossed my mind as well. However, that borders just a little too close to genocide and, no matter how angry I get, that's just not an option.

But fear not dear readers, I would not dare to leave you without the proper guidance you have sought. I do have an answer. You see I came to a realization the other night while at the local strip joint. I won't express the details of my epiphany, simply because the details escape me at the moment, but what I noticed was a behavior pattern in the members of the up and coming generation milling about the place. They expressed a behavior pattern that was in some way familiar, something that I had seen before. I realized it was the same behavior of kids I knew from my childhood that we always dubbed 'sheltered.' You know these kids. They were the little weirdos too naive to engage in common conversation and too ignorant to know how to dress for any occasion.

I always wondered what happened to them once adulthood was reached. Well, as it turns out, they never break out of their shells completely. Instead they exist with this attitude that their upbringing in some way made them intellectually superior to the heathens around them. Yet, since they are no longer constrained by authority, they like to venture and tour into the heathen (a.k.a. real) world like Asians into Vegas. However, they are still just as ignorant as they always were only with a little more life experience. And, what's worse is they are now the majority. I have no theories to explain this phenomenon, and that bothers me as well because that eliminates the possibility of attacking the problem at its source. So be it! We will hit this thing head on.

The only true and natural way to convert a sheltered person into the light of reality is to drag them kicking and screaming out of their shelters and toss them into the wild with the wolves. You must right away under- stand that this is not an easy or quick process, and if it is handled poorly, the consequences can be tragic. First you need to make friends with one of these people. This shouldn't be hard; I'm willing to bet that you are already, at the very least, acquaintances with one or more of them. Next, you need to expand that friendship into a close bond, become someone they can trust; allow them to confide in you, and confide in them as well. Finally, give them a crash course in whatever horrible social act you prefer to commit. This can be almost anything. Make them paint graffiti on walls, get them into a fistfight, get loaded and drive down the interstate at 90 mph with the headlights off, drop a hit of acid into their drink and convince them you are God, whatever you choose.

At first you will have reservations. You will feel that this is some sort of betrayal, or torture, or both. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Think of yourself as an educator tutoring a struggling student in chaos.

Well, I think this is it for this month in the Dark House. I hope you are all as excited as I am about the upcoming year. This is the year we make our mark.