I have a minor bitch for Jonny Dark and
his ‘gimme, gimme, gimme’ rant about my gender’s apparent lack of skill in the
blowjob department. First of all, no one can suck or fuck like Jenna Jameson
except for Jenna. It just doesn’t happen in real life, so you’re going to have
to let go of the self deluded fantasy you’re clinging to that you’ll receive a
porno quality blowjob on a regular basis. Secondly, not all women attended this
so called ‘Head University’ where sororities of young cock starved suck queens
passed on their valuable knowledge and skill to the eager underclassmen. Some
of us had lousy teachers in the form of shitty boyfriends who only wanted to
mouth fuck our face; leaving us sticky, gagging and basically just wishing we
were a lesbian.
You said, "what is the fucking problem here? Is it something
we are failing to do on our part, as men?" Challenge accepted. We, as women,
are complex creatures with an intricate emotional networking system, but I’m
going to do my best to simplify this for you.
A. Wash your junk. Spray some
smelly good shit on your balls. Stock up on flavored lube. Do anything to take
away the taste and smell of raggedy old running shorts. You can’t just rub a
little Irish Spring on your boys in the shower and expect us to swoon at the
chance to shove your dick down our throats. Let’s face it; most women have a
stigma about fellatio with good reason. The fact that your sweaty package spent
all day swinging in between your even sweatier legs is an unpleasant thought all
on its own. Mix that thought with that with the fact that jiz has the
consistency of curdled milk and all the enticing flavor of salted tadpoles and
you’ve got the recipe for our attitude of ‘let’s just get this over with.’
B. It is all about attitude. We
need a little appreciation. When you are done jazzing a wad of salty nastiness
straight to the gag reflex of our throat and all you can say is ‘Thanks, doll
face,’ we get a little jaded about performing in the future. And the minute I
bob too high or pull up and I feel your hand on top of my head pushing me back
down, I’m fucking done. I am not a five dollar whore - don't treat me like
one. It is that kind of degrading behavior that is going to keep your cock in
the company of your right hand and not our warm moist mouths.
C. Speak up. Tell us what you
want. If you don’t want your balls sucked, then just say so. If you don’t like
the ‘paint your wagon’ technique, then speak up. If you want me to shove my big
toe up your nose while I’m rocking up and down, then fucking say so. How am I
suppose to give you what you really want if I’m taking all my tips from a
$4.99 porn about a pizza boy and a plumber?
D. Reciprocation. ‘Please stop,
you’re doing more harm than good’ is actually a staple thought of most women
engaging in sexual activities with men. You think if you stick your hard
johnson into our V-hole and wiggle it around a little bit, then that should be
good enough. I mean you got off right? Well, sorry to say it takes a little
more effort on your part to make us want to give good head. If I know
you can take my quiver down-under and turn it into a quake that will bring tears
to my eyes, then I’ll gladly take that hard-on of yours for a ride you’ll never
forget. The sad fact is that most men (none I’ve encountered anyway) have the
skill/patience/desire to get the job done right. Why should I put in the effort
required for a quality blowjob when I’m getting nothing in return?
So, that should be sufficient enough to get you started. I’m
spent for now anyway.
Cheers Fuckers-
Mary Moe
by Mary Moe